Have you ever been so burnt out that you just dread coming into work and the only thing that forces you to go to work is actually needing to pay your bills. The rinse and repeat process gets worse in every cycle with no relief in the horizon.
Whatever background you come from the reality is that doing the same thing over and over will eventually takes its toll. Everything is the same it is just the same lets meet up talk about the issues plaguing the client, deal with grumpy client, deal with grumpy co-workers that don’t have anything else to do with their lives besides worsening your work conditions.
In a way I admire managers that keeps that upbeat energy when developers are hard to work with. It is hard to work with people. It is even harder if the co-worker you work with is also the one causing more damage.
My solution was pretty extreme and didn’t have a whole lot to do with the examples I wrote above. I left my job to create my own company. Heck, even calling it a company at this stage feels silly as I’m just no one jus another drop in the bucket trying to follow my path.
Have you ever thought for a second that we could be more than just people working for someone else? Yes, you probably have but that’s not the line I want to entice you with.
Have you ever thought of tapping into your creative potential? Beyond just being a developer. Think about, a product manager of sorts that understands the technicalities of software and can be a bridge between both client and developers to keep a passive and friendly environment.
I gave up on myself, and the potential I have to bring new solutions and creativity in software. I suffered the consequences.
When you stop believing in yourself. When you just stop all your ideas and trash them and just be like “oh shit I have no other way but to accept that I’m just not good enough”. The defeatist path is also the most destructive path someone can choose as you are killing yourself from the inside and also enter into an agonizing neverending experience of how you could be something more than you are right now.
Granted. Ownership and businesses is all daunting. I’m not going to lie at times I feel I’m not suited to be a leader and I can literally give you a dozen reasons why I’m not good at leadership and at the same time couldn’t even give you 3-4 reasons of why I should lead.
Over the years that I started journeying into the defeatist path all I have learned is that I became more jaded about everything. I stopped learning. I stopped caring about the things I used to care about technology and development. I just completely gave up.
As you get older you either accept yourself or continue to spiral into an endless frustration in your life.
I accept that I am a person that didn’t take risks. I accept that I am a person that gave up on myself when I could have done hundred of things years back and still make decent money.
Depression is, what I believe, our “mental recession”.
Depression has beaten me up to a pulp. There’s no denying that a lot of the indecision comes from mental health factors. These are still the things I refuse to acknowledge and yet they are so.
The reason I became what I was is because I gave in to anxiety and I gave in to depression. There was absolutely no one out there to help me. I had to start making more definitive decisions about my life and where I want to head with it. It took years, and years to get somewhere with this thing.
Every time I “kickback from the hole I’m digging myself mentally” I’m just angry at myself because this thing has prevented me from fully realizing the person I am in so many ways.
Nonetheless, things became better with medication. Things even got better picking up technologies I should have picked up years ago such as React/React Native/CSS3/Flex/etc. All the cool stuff that I ignored.
Either way. The path just started. It’s been super thorny so far, but compared to the agonizing days and indecision I would rather keep going until the very end. Whether I see my work to fruition or not that’s going to be the challenge. However, at least I’ll be happy to know that I never gave up.